I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize