i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
