I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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