Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
