put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
it glows. i had to have it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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