You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
