Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
