i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
