I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
