if only i could text you this smell
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
