I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize