I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
