John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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