Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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