it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
