Your mouth is God's brothel.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
