if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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