I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
