if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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