ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Pooping to opera.
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