He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
