so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
