her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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