Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
