I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
