we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
