True but thats because hes a fetus.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
