theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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