I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
