it was like his penis was on wheels.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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