This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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