come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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