a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
