it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
