This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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