Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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