why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
