Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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