When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
