i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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