You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
