I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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