I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
