You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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