i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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