Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
