omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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