Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
