Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
