I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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