On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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