I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
