your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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