Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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