I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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