i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
