just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i will never coherently bang her
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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