My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
