here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
