I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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