then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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