I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
