I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I touched a dick in church today
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
